No one likes to fail. I would bet it ranks pretty high on the list of people's worst fears in life. I know it's one of mine. I hate to go out on that limb, try something new, and possibly not succeed at it. Which is why I have a hard time trying new things, especially in front of people.
I don't want that for my kids, and I have a feeling that the only way to help them get over that fear of failure is to let them experience it a few times, completely fall on their faces, and then pick up and keep going.
Everything inside me screams "Nooooooo" when I think about my older daughter possibly botching her piano recital piece, or my younger daughter falling off the balance beam in gymnastics. I want to swoop in and save them from themselves. Not because I'm embarrassed of their failures, but because I know they'll be embarrassed. And maybe want to give up.
What if they fail a test at school? What if they fail a whole class?
It'll be OK.
There are worse things than failure. I'm not sure what they are right now, but I believe that to be true. Maybe worse than failure is missing out.
We all know that parent who hovers over their child at all times on the playground, waiting to catch him if he falls off the end of the slide. And God forbid he should attempt to jump off the swings.
I know because in my heart I am that parent. What if she hurts herself? I'd feel terrible. I was amazed when my kids went off to kindergarten. They came home with scrapes and bruises that would have crippled them merely weeks before, and they were showing them off, bragging that they didn't even cry! (Peer pressure can sometimes be a good thing.)
But I digress. I'm talking about real failure, not just scratched up knees. My second grader is working on a report, and I'm not supposed to be helping her. But I want her to do well, so maybe just a little help would be OK, right? Well, yes, but when she says "Mom, that's not how I want to do it" I just need to let her do it her own way, and trust that it's all part of the learning process. Maybe she could get a better grade if I help her with the wording, or add a few things here and there, but what's that teaching her? That I care more about her grade than about her learning to do it herself. Ultimately, that will be defeating for her.
Here's what I want to teach my kids:
You can do anything you set your mind to. And I will love you and support you whether you succeed or fail.
Here's what I'm afraid we are actually teaching our kids in this generation:
You can do anything you set your mind to. As long as I help you.
It's not just that I want my kids to succeed in life. I also want them to be happy. And success doesn't always bring happiness. Sometimes it just brings more stress as you strive to reach that next level. Success for success's sake is empty. But success in something that's your calling in life, or that makes you happy, or lets you help others, or supports your family, now that is a good thing to reach for. How will kids know the difference if we teach them the only thing that matters is that they succeed?
I believe there is great value in failure. Here are just a few things kids can learn from failure:
Resiliency. It's OK to fall down. You just get up and keep going. Maybe you stop by to see the nurse first and she gives you a princess band-aid to make you feel better.
Problem Solving. Sometimes a failure points out where your weaknesses are. That's no fun, but when you identify something you can work on, and then work it out, you'll know that you overcame it. And that can be more satisfying and fulfilling than succeeding in the first place!
Perspective. We are all in this life together. We all have strengths and weaknesses. But when all you see are other people's strengths, you start feeling like everyone else has it more together than you. If we were a bit more open with each other about our own failures, I believe we'd all be a bit more tolerable.
Unconditional Love. This is the big one. This is the rock upon which healthy kids are built. If they sense that you love them more when they succeed, what does that say about when they fail? We tell our kids all the time how much we love them. But what happens when they fall apart during the spelling bee? Or that math concept that they just can't seem to figure out? Those are little things now, maybe, but our reaction to them will foreshadow our reaction to the bigger issues later on down the line. If they can't bring home a failing grade to us in fourth grade, what about when life really gets dicey in their teenage years?
My kids' failure gives me a chance to put my arms around them and say, "It's OK. I love you no matter what and we'll get through this together."
I truly believe that when they are little, the little things ARE the big things. The things that they are experiencing in grade school (and our reactions to them) are how they learn to deal with the bigger issues that come along later in life. If they learn nothing else now, I want them to learn that I love them completely independently of their accomplishments. Unfortunately, I can say that every day to them, but it's in the down-and-out moments that they hear me. So if I don't allow them to fail sometimes, then I have no opportunity to love them through it.
On Sunday, our pastor made a really interesting statement. He said, "God does not define us by our weaknesses. He defines us by His love for us." That really blew my mind. I think I define myself by my own weaknesses, but God sees me through his perfect love for me. And that doesn't change, no matter what I've failed at this week.
Sometimes we call that grace. That's what I want my children to learn, and that's what I get a chance to model to them when they fall down. If they never fall down, then they think I love them because they're so good at what they're doing. I know because that's how I feel in my own life.
Failure is a chance for redemption and unconditional love, and we all need that more than we need to succeed.
So get on out there, kids, and fail at something, so I can show you how much I love you! (If they're anything like me, we'll get that chance before the day is done.)
That brings up one more little note on this subject. Not only do I need to let them fail sometimes, but I need to let them see me fail too. Ouch. I think we already covered how much I hate to fail in front of people. But why am I afraid to fail in front of my kids who are still young enough to believe that I can do no wrong? Maybe that's why. I like this little period of life. Someday soon, they'll start thinking instead that I can do no right and want to distance themselves as much as possible from me, and I don't want that day coming any sooner than absolutely necessary. Although that's probably determined more by their biology than by my failing at something. In other words, that day will come whether I've been the perfect mom or not. I guess part of being the perfect mom is not being perfect all the time. Hopefully they'll see me falling down, getting up, asking for forgiveness, and not looking back. But there's no way for them to see that if I never share my failures with them.
I don't want to pass down the legacy of my fear of failure. If we're going to fail at something, let's get after it! Let's do it, and see that it's not so bad.
I had a band director one time who would always say, "If you're going to hit a wrong note, do it loud and confidently." That sounds like a good life motto.
So here's to loud and confident, in both success and failure! And grace. Lots of grace, for ourselves and for each other.
Liz says
Yes!
Meredith says
🙂
jacquiegum says
I really admire that you are willing to allow your kids to fall down. Like you said, we all need to learn how to get up! I love the loud and confident too! What wonderful thing to teach your kids!
Meredith says
Sometimes I worry that I've taught them too well how to be loud... 😉
Catarina Alexon says
You are absolutely right to want your children to fail sometimes. That's how we all learnt and developed. We survived "disaster" so why wouldn't today's kids? The imporant thing is that when they were toddlers their parents were there for them. Kids who at a young age had that experience are much more successful in life. Curling parents actually ruin their children because the latter start believing they are God's gift to humanity and can't be bothered to make an effort. If they had instead learnt how to fail they would succeed.
Meredith says
I agree, Catarina! Thanks for stopping by to comment.
patweber says
Lessons here also apply to us with children at any age. While one close friend regularly remarked to me I was spoiling my son, my husband and I see a successful, wise and caring young adult man with a loving family.
Lovely post Meredith.
Meredith says
Thanks Pat. You're so right that this applies at any age. And everyone has an opinion about how to raise your kids, but you really do know best, as is evidenced by how your son grew up. 🙂
Beth Niebuhr says
I very much agree with you. My favorite Mothers Day gift of all time was from my son when he was just old enough to go by himself to a gift shop a few blocks away. It was a little green plastic sign saying, "Mothers are not for leaning on but to teach that leaning isn't necessary." I couldn't believe that he knew that and I was proud that I had demonstrated that.
Meredith says
What a wonderful gift! You couldn't ask for more than to see your kids growing in maturity and wisdom.
Erica says
Such a good article. I like the point you making about accepting your kids' failures as children so they will feel open about coming to you when they mess up as teenagers. I think it is easy to forget when you teach a lesson to a little kid, that they my go back to it as a teenager and unspoken messages can have a huge impact.
I often feel that the biggest thing that has held me back is fear of failure. So I think the message you are trying to teach your children is a good one.
Meredith says
I think the unspoken messages are really the loudest. Kids are so perceptive that they'll look right past what you're saying to what you're actually doing. And if the two don't line up, guess which one they'll believe?
Donna Janke says
Great article. I agree with your comments about what children need. As a parent, I know how hard it can be to watch your child fail at something. It can also be a moment of intense pride to watch them pick themselves up, learn from it and carry on. Allowing our kids to see us fail may be even harder, but what better way for them to learn failure isn't the end of the world and we can learn and grow from it.
Meredith says
Well said, Donna. No one ever said this parenting thing would be easy, I guess.
Ken Dowell says
There's no question that you are going to be better equipped for the rest of your life if yu experience failure and can overcome it. But that doesn't make it hurt any less when it happens and as parents we all have a natural tendency to hope our kids don't fail. Failure only seems like a good thing when it is in the past.
Meredith says
That's so true Ken, about failure only seeming like a good thing once it's in the past!
Jeri Walker (@JeriWB) says
Though I'm not a parent, the importance of learning from failure came into play all the time in the classroom. It can be hard to teach when students and parents alike will give a teacher grief over receiving an average or bad grade. If everything comes easy in life, it's too easy to learn incentive.
Meredith says
I also think you learn lessons better from correcting your mistakes than from never making any, especially when it comes to classroom learning!
Phoenicia says
I love this write up!
Failure is a part of life. We have to step out and take risks otherwise we will be held bound by fear.
Our children must know that we love them no matter what. This will give them a sense of security and protection. We should not try to put our hopes and dreams into them.
Your statement "Little things are big things to little children" is so true. Something as small as their best friend choosing to sit with another peer could affect their whole day. I take time out to listen to my daughter relay her day at school. I am interested in EVERYTHING that concerns her.
Thank you for this.
Meredith says
Thanks Phoenicia! It's true that some of the biggest moments of my kids' lives come on the playground or at the lunch table. Taking time to listen is the best thing you can do for your daughter.
William Rusho says
What a great post. I know we cannot pick ourselves up, if we never fall down. It is funny, when you look at new parents they seem to be overprotective of their kids, making sure nothing ever happens to them. See the same kids with their grandparents, and you wonder if they kids will survive the day.
Meredith says
So true, William! It's amazing what kids can survive! 🙂
Susan Cooper/findingourwaynow.com says
You are a brave soul. Not many could or would do that. Allowing kids to fall, with supervision, getting up aside, it really helps with learning them with the art of balancing, eye-hand coordination and much, much more. 🙂
Meredith says
It's one of the hardest things I've had to do as a parent!
SafariOnTheBlog says
Oh wow! great article and I loved it
I absolutely agree with you.
The most important thing is to get up when we fall
Meredith says
Thanks! I think it gets easier each time, but it's one of those things that takes practice.
normaleverydaylifeblog says
I think it's harder to let your oldest fail. With the first one, I thought I could "help" and protect more than I really could. After I saw that failure in some things didn't ruin her, I become more comfortable letting the others make their own way. It's a learning process just like the rest of motherhood!
Meredith says
That's so true! My first was a lot more sheltered than my second! We're all learning together, I guess.
Krystyna Lagowski says
Wasn't it someone like Winston Churchill who said that failure is the cornerstone of success? Although I'm not a parent, I'm sure it's a deep-rooted instinct to protect your children from failure. And letting them know you're not perfect, well, that's a whole other challenge. Good for you!
Meredith says
Thanks Krystyna, I like that Churchill quote!
lenie5860 says
Meredith, this post was certainly different from your usual style but one I enjoyed very much. It is true that children need to learn how to fail and still have the parent's love. It is that parental love that will turn each failure into a strength - without that love it will destroy confidence. You are such a great mom.
Meredith says
Awww, thanks Lenie! Parenting is such a huge responsibility! I'm pretty sure if I had known what I was getting into, I'd never have had the courage to do it. 🙂
Tim says
Absolutely Meredith; I have had my share of failures in life and attribute my later successes to those failures. How do you how to handle things if you have always got it right. How do you face a challenge if nothing has ever been a challenge before. Failing is as important, more so maybe, than success.
Meredith says
I agree, Tim. It's funny to me that we live in such a success-oriented world, when (I believe) most people would say the same thing.
Andy says
As a practical matter, I'm not so sure that it's a good idea to teach your kids that "You can do anything you set your mind to." We can all think of things that we are simply not cut out to do. In the immortal words of Clint Eastwood, "A man's gotta know his limitations."
In my opinion, it would be better to say something like: "If you're interested in X, then by all means have a go at X, and if you're successful at X, then that's great, and if it doesn't work out and you decide to pursue Y instead, then that's fine as well." To put it another way, I think that parents should show a certain flexibility with respect to their children's interests. (OK, maybe I am reading too much into your blockquote, but you can see the point that I'm making.)
BTW, being a phony is definitely worse than being a failure - in my book at least.
Meredith says
That's something I've wondered about often, Andy. Do we do our kids a disservice telling them they can do whatever they want? I go back and forth on that particular parenting issue. Some day my kids will be able to tell me whether they think I did it right. (Yikes!) But I totally agree with you that it's worse to be a phony than a failure!
Jason @ TheButlerJournal.com says
In my opinion failure motivates you to be better. If I didn't fail at some things when I was younger I would probably be an arrogant idiot. Failing teaches you to be be humble and to never give up.
Meredith says
So true! Humility is a character trait that is hard to learn the easy way.
Natalie Yevoli says
This is really good!! I've been thinking a lot about this lately - for myself and my kids. Failure means we're trying!
Meredith says
That's a really great thing to remember, Natalie. I think that's my new motto - failure means we're trying!