“Mom, are you going to go on a diet anytime soon?”
Yesterday I was standing in the kitchen with my two daughters, making a snack, when my 7-year-old uttered these words. I immediately looked down at my thighs. Does she know something I don’t? Is she trying to break the news to me, not so gently? Plenty of answers, from smart retorts to preachy tirades on self-image came to mind, but I decided instead to just ask a question.
I fought back a cascade of emotional self-doubt and condemnation, and asked in as neutral a tone as I could muster, “Why, honey?”
(Because we all know that when you ask a 7-year-old their opinion, like it or not, you’re going to get an honest answer.)
“I don’t know. I just want to go on a diet,” she replied, with an open and unashamed face.
At this point, I was flooded with a mix of thoughts. As soon as I felt relief from my own thigh crisis, I felt horror at the thought of my second grader feeling the urge to go on a diet. Where did this come from? Peer pressure? Health class? TV? That’s it. We’re quitting everything.
Calming myself down yet again (can you tell I have diet issues?) I asked, “But why? What do think going on a diet will do for you?”
“I just want to eat healthy,” she answered.
I could tell from her manner that she was telling the truth. She must have heard something about “a healthy diet” and decided that sounds like a good thing. (She’s my curious one. She learns by doing. She can’t just be told what something means, she has to try it for herself to find out. This can be both a good trait, and a terrifying one.)
Realizing that she needed a straight answer, I told her, “A diet is just a word that describes the food you eat on a daily basis. You can have a healthy diet, or an unhealthy diet. We don’t ‘go on a diet’, we just choose to eat a healthy diet every day. There are always ways to eat healthier, but you don’t need to worry too much about it because that’s mommy’s job – to feed you a healthy diet every day.”
That seemed to satisfy her curiosity and besides, the snack was ready so she scampered off. But I continued to think about our conversation.
There are moments in parenting when you realize you stand on a precipice. Depending on what you say or do, your children’s ideas will be formed a certain way. (There are also lots of times you don’t realize this, but it’s still happening.) This was surely one of those times, but would our one-minute conversation be enough to safeguard her from worrying about her weight, focusing on food, and doubting herself into dieting when she gets older? Probably not.
It’s easy for me to see that my girls are beautiful, but how long will they believe that about themselves if I don’t believe it about myself too? Being a mom is scary because your kids learn so much from you. I want them to learn from me that there are more important things in life than the number on their waistband. Kids are smart. They know a hypocrite when they see one. So the only hope I have is to be transparent and open and truthful. I think if I am gentle with myself, they will learn to be gentle with themselves too.
That’s why I’m renewing my commitment to live my life in a way that backs up what I said to her. I guarantee you that if I go on a “diet”, my kids will know about it. They’ll know because the first thing to go will be my coffee with french vanilla creamer, and I will become a cranky monster. No one will be able to escape the wrath. So instead, no dieting for me. I’m publishing my resolution here so I will be accountable. Here it is:
- I will choose to eat healthy foods (to offset the unhealthy ones that I don’t intend to give up).
- I will look in the mirror in the morning and thank God for making me strong and, dare I say it?, beautiful.
- I will hold my head high and my back straight, and not just because good posture makes me look taller.
- I will either believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, or I will betray my Creator, and my two beautiful little girls in the process.
- No magazine or TV ad will inform me of how I should look. Instead I will take joy in my husband’s smile and when my kids squeeze me around my non-washboard middle.
I’ve often thought that I could either be skinny, or a good mom, but probably not both at the same time. Maybe that’s not actually true, but it sure feels that way when I’m dieting. I love my kids more when I’m not so busy envying their food, or their metabolism, or their adorable skinny legs.
Most days I manage to find a healthy balance, but on the days when I waiver, may I remember that this body bore those beautiful children, and therefore is to be respected and applauded. And maybe even rewarded. With a donut.
Have you ever thought about how your view of yourself affects your children’s view of themselves? Tell me how you deal with it…
Well, I just flat love this.
Thank you Lizzie! I knew you’d get me.
Great article, Meredith! Lots of, ahem, food for thought!
Thanks Melissa, love the pun! đ
Such wisdom from a young, beautiful mom who is raising two beautiful daughters.
…and who learned from the best. đ
Our ways definitely rub off on our children and sometimes we don’t even realize it until it’s too late. Good for you for setting a great example and looking at her questions long term!
Thanks! We just do the best we can, right?
Raising a glass (and a donut) in honor of this post! Bravo!
Thanks Sandey! Here’s to a great donut now and then…
As a mom of a teenager, I can tell you it’s still the little things they hear the loudest. Thanks for reminding me to keep my own inner struggles in check.
That’s so true. Sometimes I feel like I’m always talking, and you know they don’t hear half of it, but they are always watching when you don’t think they are. I can only imagine what it will be like when they’re teens! đ
What a great post Meredith. And you were quite right to be brought up short by such a question from your daughter. Sounds like you dealt with it really well. The whole issue of how women are presented in the media is such a negative thorny issue that has caused misery to endless women. Good for you on trying to help your daughter not fall into the same traps that many of us have.
Thank you A.K. Sometimes it seems like a losing battle with the media, but one I’m not ready to give up. The stakes are too high.
I can only agree with the others that this was an excellent post and even though I do not have children of my own I can still relate to it. Being the example giver is a job we as adults take on for other younger ones that come in the form of nieces and nephews; especially nieces.
Thanks Tim. You’re right, you can be an example without being a parent. I’m so thankful for some of the other good examples by kids have in their lives, especially their aunt and uncle.
I can’t possibly be more eloquent than the comments here…it is flat out beautiful. I admire the mental alacrity you demonstrated when confronted with the question. Like Tim I have no children. But I was honorary aunt to so many kids and I really took that seriously! If kids love and respect you, I think they assume that whatever you tell them is the truth…I still try to honor that always. Sorry I can’t share this on Pinterest, as I have no space there, but I did Tweet you! Loved this…..
Thank you Jacquie! You’re so right. Kids who look up to you will believe anything you tell them (or even imply to them). It’s a big responsibility. Thanks for tweeting!
I admire the way you handled this. Thanks for passing it along. As a parent you sometimes have to walk a fine line between being a positive role model and being yourself.
Thanks Ken. You’re right, it’s a fine line, and I’m pretty sure I get it wrong more than I get it right! đ
This raises all sorts of great food for thought. Granted, I don’t have children, but as a teacher I was very conscious of how I presented myself before students. Our bodies and minds are shaped in so many different ways. I’ve always hated the phrase “go on a diet.” My diet is pretty healthy, I just eat too much đ
I’m with you Jeri! I love food. đ My kids both think their teachers hung the moon and would believe anything they tell them. I appreciate people like you who take the time to think how you’re impacting kids, because you have a really big influence on them.
Meredith, I am always so impressed with the way you relate to your children. I’m glad you took the time to think about your answer when your daughter asked about the diet. It’s so easy to just respond without thinking about the consequences first. BTW – I agree with the donut/bagel thing but only when I’m out.
Lenie
Thank you Lenie. It’s more common for me to speak without thinking than the other way around, so it’s nice to feel like every now and then, maybe I get it right! đ
Hello Meredith
It was such a nice post, I really liked the way you thought and took some time before giving answer to her question. I am mother of a daughter and almost everyday I have so many questions from her, few minutes before , I was asked “Mama, why you have long nails like a witch?” do not ask how I covered that đ . Sometimes children just give you shocks.
Once I wear some shirt and I said it does not suit me and stuff, then do not know hwy or how my daughter picked that thing and started taking about everything, ” It does not look good on me , I am not looking beautiful” She added her own lines too, then with time I made her to realize its not like that… God have created every human being beautiful so she was relaxed after few weeks n understood that thing…. Parents have to be very careful while doing anything or talking as children are continuously taking notes đ . BTW I really liked your resolution of having back straight and high head to look taller.. I will also do the same from now on…
It was really nice to read this post.
Thank you Andleeb. Kids certainly keep you on your toes, don’t they? I love the line you wrote: God created every human being beautiful. So true.
Great post. Well said. It can be hard to raise daughters with a healthy self-image with so much from advertisers and media giving them impossible ideals. But they can get a lot for you to counteract that.
Thanks Donna, it’s a big responsibility!
What sweet and sincere words from your daughter, “I just want to eat healthy.” From your extremely relatable style of writing, I could literally hear her say that. đ No doubt you already set wonderful examples for them both!
Thanks! It’s always scary to think I’m the example! đ
It’s so true. I had all those same thoughts when raising my daughter. Much more so than with my son. Daughters especially see everything we do, say or convey without words and it makes a great deal of difference to how they look at themselves as women.
Yes, I would imagine sons would be easier in some ways. But at least with daughters, I can remember how it felt to be in their shoes.
What a great post. What we do and say has an impact on our children as they do look to us. That never goes away. I think the best thing is that your child came to you to discuss it. Your reaction was different because you put more thought into what she was asking. I love the simplicity and honesty of children
I do too! I love that they haven’t learned to mask what they are thinking and feeling yet. I’m trying to get them to hold on to that innocence as long as possible.
You child is smart and it never hurts to eat healthy. That is something I should do, I eat bad, then spend hours at the gym.
Ha! The real question is whether it’s easier to eat healthy, or work out more? Some days it’s a toss up for me…
This was a very special read for me. It touched my heart. It’s really hard to raise daughters with a healthy self-image. There are so many influences that can make that neigh-on-impossible. I think you’ve been able to give her the foundation she will need to sort the facts and make good decisions. Bravo.
Thank you Susan! I love to know that other women can relate to this.
Interesting and I love the the whole conversation with your daughter, your resolutions and the latter part of your post especially “I could either be skinny, or a good mom” and many other statements you made. It is almost like you are saying you do not want to deny yourself living while you are trying to live. The irony of life.
I love that statement! You said it perfectly, I do not want to deny myself living while I’m trying to live me life. And I want that for my kids too.
My first visit here to your blog and I am so impressed with what you have written. I think this is such a positive way to teach a valuable lesson. I have a 14 year old daughter who with whom I am always looking for ways to educate and promote healthy living and eating.
Dori
Follow my blog: Care, Create and Cook at
http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/12824467
Thank you Dori! It’s great to meet you, I’ll be sure to check out your blog.
I. Love. This!!! And while I’ve just “met” you, I might just love you too! (But not in a creepy way). Sister, this is amazing and SO SO SO needed! I have three daughters- I had an eating disorder when I was a teenager- and I’m currently in the middle of a new journey (getting into shape) and I SO desperately want my goals to be about HEALTH and not about a certain look. I want to remind my girls that they are beautiful- just the way they are- and like you, I don’t like “diets”. I want to be healthy…. and eat healthy….and I want to take care of my temple…. but I don’t want a diet! I LOVE this point that you made “âžI will either believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, or I will betray my Creator, and my two beautiful little girls in the process.”. AMEN sister! Amen!!!
Thank you Erika! I love you back! (Also not creepy.) I’m so glad to meet you, and I’m happy my thoughts encouraged you. I wish you the best on your healthy new endeavors. It’s so easy to get off track and obsess over diets, and even health, but so important to remember that God made you…YOU. Blessings, my new friend. đ
My 26 year old daughter told me the other day that she would never use the “D” word in front of her not-married-yet future kids. It’s so true that diet is just a way of eating, but society has turned it into so much more.
Thanks for such an informative and needed post! And thanks for linking up to The Pretty Pintastic Party! Blessings to you!
Thanks Alli! I hope my daughters get it as it sounds like yours does. Thanks for stopping by!
Love, love, love this! I feel the same way. I have two girls, and they’re both very little, but since the first was born, I’ve been making a conscious effort to appreciate my body more, feed myself with good food to have the energy to keep up with my family and not for how it will make me look.
Thank you Sylvie! It’s never too early to start! I think all little girls think their moms are beautiful, unless they are told differently, usually by the mom herself. Your kids will benefit from your commitment, and you will too!
Beautiful way to answer your daughter. So reflective & thoughtful…thanks for giving us a window into your home & inspiring us today đ
Also, so glad you were able to link this post up at this week’s “Inspired By Me Mondays” link-up!! Love this post đ Hope you are able to join us again next week; open from Monday to Friday each week, Rachael @ http://www.parentingandhomeschoolinginfaith.com
Thank you Rachel! I’ll definitely drop by again this week!
I loved every bit of this, Meredith! Even with an 8 year old son, I find it important to watch what I say about my appearance. I always try to stress eating healthy to fuel our bodies and not focus on outward appearance. But you can bet we enjoy a donut or two every so often! đ
Thank you Sarah! It’s a message that’s not limited to girls, and I think you’re wise to be careful around your son. His wife will appreciate that some day! đ